90% is Success is Just Showing Up

A mighty bit self explanatory... sorta.

All Points Bulletin, [Parnoimia Redux]

Have you seen this man? The suspect has on 4 occasions broke in to our Richmond District apartment and molested my wife and self (foot/leg fondling) during our sleep, he always leaves evidence of his presence afterwards. The artist’s rendering was created from a recent eye witness account by a friend and neighbor. Any information leading to his capture will be rewarded with $20,000 or equivalent value in advisement and betterment services.

Call 415-422-9601 or email: ejamuel@yahoo.com

This is quite possibly the weirdest flier I’ve run across yet. Honestly, since I live just inside the Richmond, I didn’t entirely know how to feel about it, and of course calling the actual number was right out.

000 Montgomery

Do you have a promising start-up company? A team of eager and ready workers? A golden idea set to revolutionize, well, the world?

Fantastic for you! But what about an office building? Oh, I see, you hadn’t thought about that, had you?

Well spunky, young entrepreneur, you’re just in luck because I met just the man to help you out! His name is Edric Kilimann and he owns the office building at 000 Montgomery street.

You can see more about his once-in-a-lifetime opportunity by visiting 000Montgomery.com. The gist of it is that Mr. Kilimann stands in a predominant location at the corner of Market and Montgomery and sells ad space for his “office building”, which is more or less a brief-case display of various business cards.

It’s actually very ingenious. I task myself now with getting a business card just for this occasion.

When Memes Converge

My latest love of all things strange has blossomed into a hunt for strange fliers, considering the regularity in which I come across them in the city. Just today I saw one that said something like "LOL Cat replies to Cheezburger!" It's hard enough as is figuring out what it means, already knowing the meme it's referencing, but to help facilitate it's elucidation there was a phone number to call.

I figured "Why not?" and gave it a ring, only to hear a prerecorded message ask me if I'd like to hear a hardcore rap song about LOLCATS! I suppose if I had a list comprised of such things, I could now safely cross it off.

EDIT:
I didn't manage to get a picture while I was out and about, but I did find one online that someone else took, which you can feast your eyes upon yourselves...

Paranoimia

Alert: Be Aware
Microwave Harassment
Emanations in this Area!

I found this Elsewhere Public Works Alert & Be Aware sign greeting me this morning on the side of a utility box downtown. I don't know if you can make out the text in the photo, but it is a hilariously tin-foil caliber affair.

Its tone is heavily reminiscent of this lot here. Which, let's face it Dear Reader, is an afternoon of reading and guilty pleasure indulgence to be sure. Some choice bits include:

Sally: Frequent thefts and sabotage of my belongings to the point that I now can't afford three meals a day. I experience theft and sabotage of my food and kitchenware.

David: Here are a few things that happen in my life:

* Cabinet and drawer handles held on by screws are repeatedly loosened ARTIFICIALLY.
* Magnetic latches on cabinets are loosened ARTIFICIALLY so that the cabinet doors will not latch properly.
* Wood veneers on drawers and cabinets are partially peeled off ARTIFICIALLY and warped somehow. Severely warped inside veneers also interfere with door latch operation.
* There seems to be much more dirt in my life than there should be. My apartment rapidly accumulates dust and sand, especially on the floors, as if somebody is sprinkling a small amount each time I am out. The dust bunnies are the most puzzling. I thought that they are a combination of spider webs and ordinary dust, but they also happen during the dead of winter, when there are few if any spiders, because there are no insects on which to feed.

[Eleanor White talking: ME TOO on that sprinkling of dirt and dust when I'm out! And, the placing of moths in my apartment when I'm out.]

The New World Order is apparently here, and it's infiltrating our lives via poorly manufactured kitchen fixture, dustbunnies and terribly mysterious moths. I think it's clear the Shadow Government is being run by the stockholders of Hoover and Black & Decker, respectively.

Stranger in a Strange [City]; but the company is great

You can't go far without running into yet another best-kept-secret in town worth eating at, but it starts to put a dent in the pocket book before too long, so other means become prevalent. The one that comes recommended most is Trader Joe's (an all natural place), and considering now that I'm living on the west-coast and the two-buck-chuck actually costs two bucks (unlike Ohio's detestable three dollars!) I was sold on it.

I've found Muni to be a good barometer for the types of wondrous characters the populace has to offer. During my second time making the voyage to Trader Joe's I sat on the bus next to a man who shared his seat with a cockatoo on his shoulder, wearing a _leash and collar_ like some sort of Certified Avian Seeing-Eye Helper. I was ambivalent toward what I found more astonishing: This man's unique companion or the lack of any discernible reaction out of the other passengers around him. As though an exotic bird perched upon this bony watchtower--elegantly, like a modern day Pirate of Penzance--were no more out of place than a hat or a scarf and comes across by this point as a drab thing to behold.

I was still a bit too shy by my surroundings to chat him up, though after our paths diverged I recalled I should have asked him about the wild parrots of Telegraph Hill I've heard about. L'esprit de l'escalier!

Science & Industry™ (Patent Pending)

Allan's been kept real busy in his new position, which doesn't afford him much time to let his hair down. What this means, however, is that I find myself with more than enough time on my hands, which can be a potentially hazardous thing when I spend it reading over sites like this. Allan is likely to come home to find I've constructed a miniature Hadron Collider in the living room.

Should he be worried?

I've spent the entire day absorbing this caliber of stuff, and to my dismay it's after seven already! Perhaps if I had one of these I could solve both my problems and be a cutting edge fashionista to boot.

Hello, Hello... (I don't know why you say goodbye)

Hello Dear Loved Ones (and the occasional Stranger or two)!

A hectic five days and 2500 miles has come to a final crash-landing end in my new digs in the City by the Bay.

Since I have left the only place I have known as home for the majority of life, my journey has already been blessed with a colorful taste of what life outside Granville has to offer. I've had time again to read On The Road, get a coffee addiction and a suntan on one side of my body as we forged westward to look for America. Simon and Garfunkel would be proud.

Allan did most of the drive, for which I am thankful and no doubt he is too, or else our trip would have been considerably waylaid by stopping off at every roadside attraction and iconic detour that appealed to me. But his new job dictated our time table and I was resigned to be content with our brief detour through Boulder, CO (and a memorable jaunt down Pearl street).

I am still adjusting to my new life in a different time zone and giving myself permission to be patient to that end. Our place is on the edge of Golden Gate park which has helped my transition into the city feel less claustrophobic. The fragrance at night is a scent strong with nostalgia I won't soon forget.

And before this chatter gets so long that people stop reading, I just wanted to say “Hi” (as does Alan, between the ambivalence of joy and hitting the ground running) and let you know what I am up to... in its vague birth stages. I will share more when it develops.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled internet.